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    		•

    FILMS

    The Punisher (2004)
  • Starring Thomas Jane, John Travolta, Will Patton, Rebecca Romijn, Samantha Mathis, John Pinette

  • Directed by John Hensleigh

  • Guest review written by Stuart Bowen

    • When you can say—without irony (and with only minimal embarrassment)—that you thought the Dolph Lundgren version was better, something has gone very, very wrong. I'm sure that there will be those cynics among you who believe that I'm only saying that because Dolph Lundgren knows where I live. And to them I say, "You're right. Help me."

    (Fair spoiler warning: This review contains more spoilers than I generally like, but the movie doesn't really rely on surprises anyway.)

    Here's the setup: Thomas Jane plays Frank Castle. Undercover Federal agent and former special forces operative. On the eve of his retirement, a bust goes bad and the son of a Miami organized crime figure Howard Saint winds up getting aerated by the Feds. Saint (Travolta) and his slightly unbalanced wife decide to stick to Hammurabi's Code. An eye for an eye. (Or rather "our son for your entire flipping family.") The mobsters strike back at a Castle family reunion in the islands, killing his wife (Mathis), son, father (Roy Scheidner), and everyone else they come across. They execute Frank as well, but not very thoroughly obviously.

    At this point, I was expecting Castle (nursed back to health by a local do-gooder) to return to Miami and transform into the shadowy avenger known only as The Punisher. But he doesn't really do that. Instead, he presents himself on the steps of city hall, in front of his old co-workers and the press. Nothing shadowy about that, gang. Why bother coming up with a spooky alter ego if you're just going to go to the party as yourself anyway?

    My real problem with this movie can be summed up in two observations. It's a movie about loss and retribution. And the main character is a hardened professional. A soldier. A cop. So I expected that: 1) the overall mood would be dark (as in The Crow) and 2) the action would reflect a battle between two no-nonsense opponents. A ruthless mobster and a trained killer. Instead, Castle moves into an apartment building with (wait for it... ) whacky neighbors. I think John Pinette is quite funny. But this is The Punisher. He doesn't have whacky neighbors. Does he?! (Maybe he does. I haven't read the comic book.)

    Then there's the main conflict. Saint versus Castle. When bad guys start showing up with bullets in them, Saint knows precisely who's responsible. (Because Castle told him ahead of time by showing up on the steps of City Hall.) So he sends assassins to try and kill him. One at a time. "Excuse me, Mr. Saint. This guy didn't die when your gang of 15 thugs (including your trusted right-hand man) supposedly executed him. Maybe he warrants ... two assassins working in concert?" Not regular old assassins, mind you. Novelty assassins.

    Personally, if I had to take out an ex-Navy SEAL who's family I'd just had killed, I wouldn't be relying on anyone who went solely by the monniker "The Russian." Particularly not if his MO included using no weapons and wearing a gaily-coloured striped T-shirt. At that point, I think I'd be asking the sales clerk to see something in a size 12 ninja. Then there's the other assassin, a crooning country singer who literally serenades Castle before trying to execute him a mile up the road.

    Gah?

    The blame for this doesn't fall solely on the bad guys though. The Punisher himself is a little too into the theatrics as well. For one thing, I'd always envisioned Castle as being a pragmatist. I mean, obviously he's fueled by rage at the loss of his family. But he's also a highly trained soldier. So when Frank Castle loses everything that makes him a man and all that's left is the need to punish the bad guys, I sort of assumed he'd default to his training. Liberally peppering the opposition with automatic gunfire.

    Not so, as it turns out. Castle instead concocts an elaborate plan to make Howard Saint distrust his own wife and right-hand man. He prompts them to destroy themselves by leaving false clues that Saint is being betrayed by those he holds most dear. (Fair spoiler warning: Interestingly, he also blackmails Saint's right-hand man by threatening to reveal that he's gay. As if homosexuality is a punishable offense. Granted, maybe Saint wouldn't look kindly upon it. But he treats this guy like a brother. I have a hard time buying into the blackmail plot. Maybe I'm being overly idealistic. Meh.)

    Lastly, the few villains that actually remain for Castle to take head on are all dispatched by overly elaborate means. The final scene, in particular, ends with a fiery explosion that reveals the Punisher skull highlighted in burning car frames. OK, it worked when they used a similar schtick in The Crow. But Eric Draven was an artist and musician. And he was a bit bonkers. I'd expect that sort of poetic extravagance from him. But not from a combat-hardened veteran. It's just too contrived.

    Speaking of contrivances, there's Castle's final exchange with Joan as he leaves the apartment building for the last time. What was ostensibly supposed to be a goodbye to what could have been ends up being an opportunity for Castle to wax tough for a minute. "You can find me in the newspaper" he says. "Where?" [dramatic pause coupled with hardened stare] "The obituaries." THE END.

    Er, what? Who talks like that?! The Punisher wouldn't really say that, would he?! He'd just do it. (You owe me one, Nike.)

    Bottom line: In the recent slew of comic-book adaptations, this one falls flat for me. As always, your mileage may vary.